The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job