my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
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girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…