For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
good for her
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.