Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?