Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
You Might Also Like
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Always…
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally