ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.