I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
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Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
📽️movie date🎞️
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.