My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
🤣🤣💀
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.