I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
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“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
A short story about romance.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles