Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.