a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
You Might Also Like
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.