Why would I want to fund a crowd?
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Just say no
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Hotels are back
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My birthstone is kidney
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I saw this ending much differently.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨