#milo
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When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers