I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.