Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
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what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Okay
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…