If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
You Might Also Like
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
can’t believe I got front row seats
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
These 3D printers are insane!