“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.