Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
You Might Also Like
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Bread puns are on the rise!
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72