assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
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I’m aging like a fine banana
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok