*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
You Might Also Like
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs