Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
You Might Also Like
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Meeeee too!
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
But wait…
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form