There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
wait.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
going to the ER y’all need anything
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.