Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
You Might Also Like
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath