Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: oh and I forgot to tell youâŚ
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Iâm at my most potato when Iâm twice-baked
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If youâre looking for a good time, Iâm a blast when Iâm alone.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. Itâs the only logical explanation.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
It be like that sometimes đ
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream âHey, Macarena!â every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Parents who say âIâm not going to say it againâ always say it again.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: itâs a long story, Bushâs Country Style Baked Beans
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.