The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Those are good neighbors.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.