I know this now 😂
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Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Dance like you’re not the father
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.