Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
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A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
#Caturday
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.