Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
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POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Who says great literature is dead?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Wikigenius
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.