Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I have a type: disappointing
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
no cat here
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to