“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
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In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Best mom ever 😂
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.