I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
You Might Also Like
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
my name if I was in the mob
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.