*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit