My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
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I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.