TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
A French press is when you hug naked
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate