[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Are we there yet?…
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about