Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
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Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.