“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
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“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
😲 WTF? 😆
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.