At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.