Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?