Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
won’t smith
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg