You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
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*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”