Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
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Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’