I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE