I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
That’s it.I’m out.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap