*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual