Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
You Might Also Like
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Science memes
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep