*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I hate my earbuds.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign