Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.