This tweet lives in my head rent free.
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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Covid like
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.