“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person